Newspapers are always going on about how prisons these days are like hotels. Well, HMP Oxford is. It was recently converted into a macabre jail-themed Malmaison. As Star’s first (and last) prison correspondent, I can report the porridge was delicious.
This article was first published in Star magazine in May 2014.
Star-spotting: This place was packed with crims back when it was HMP Oxford. Now, the likes of Anne Hathaway and Billie Piper (both law-abiders, so far as we know) come to stay.
The lowdown: A hulking former prison where Bad Girls was filmed, the Malmaison Oxford is now the sort of place people want to escape to, not from. Inside, the old jail layout remains intact, complete with iron gangways and imposing cells – but this is one stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure that is actually quite pleasurable. Cells have been knocked together to make 95 luxury rooms and suites, still with clanging doors and thick stone walls, but also huge comfy beds, DVD players, power showers and roll-top baths. And there’s no need to be scared of picking up the soap – the toiletries are lovely. Rooms start at £150 per night.
What to do: There’s history at every turn in this ancient city, with Oxford Castle right beside the hotel, and dozens of beautiful colleges and halls sprawled around town, many of which you can just wander into. The Pitt Rivers museum contains half a million weird and wonderful objects from around the world, and you can visit for free. There are plenty of momentous museums and libraries, too, but with its elegant architecture and future PMs whizzing round on bicycles, the whole city has an entertaining air of the past.
Eating and drinking: The Malmaison’s Brasserie has a menu loaded with steaks, burgers and other room service favourites, plus a reasonable wine list. But break out of jail and there is plenty of choice. The Cherwell Boathouse is a great spot to eat, with its views of the river and punt station (prices start at £13.75 for two courses). For drinks, pile in with the students at historic pubs such as the King’s Arms on Parks Road – Oxford’s oldest boozer – and the Turf Tavern on Bath Place, reputedly the place where Bill Clinton famously “did not inhale”. Then, back at the hotel, settle in for the sort of quiet night’s sleep you only get with walls that are three feet thick. And nothing criminal to worry about bar the parking charges.
Doing time. Pic: Malmaison Oxford
Getting there: 3 New Road, Oxford OX1 1AY.
